today I went on Arielle's blog and all of a sudden it hit me: didn't I once have one myself? so, here we go again. basically I'm just trying new methods again to stay in touch and sort things out. so if you are interested, you are invited to read whatever is on my mind! bare with me, I am a newbie.
so what's going on these days. my mom's illness keeps the whole family worried and busy. we are constantly looking for new treatment possibilities and force her to get some rest. cause she has never been good at taking care of herself instead of everyone else. her liver has gotten worse, due to that her skin is yellow and she is tired all day, having a lack of appetite. leaves her even weaker. she has been in a hospital for over a month now, which is about an hour away from us and we visit her every second day or so. my dad works fulltime and has the whole household to himself, sometimes guilt tripping me into helping him out. even though it means I'm getting worse and worse myself. vicious cycle. all we can do is hope and believe and try these days. I simply refuse to let my mom go.
on another note... I'm incredibly lovesick these days. no idea where that's coming from again. I've been doing so good breakup wise before and now, without any obvious trigger I'm back down again. I guess one part of it are the nightmares, I have them regularly, very vivid and horrifying. doesn't really help me sleep at night. and has me confused for several hours a day. I believe that dreams are your subconsciousness talking to you and they are very important. they dont directly tell you what you need to know, but still: listen and be aware. so anyways, I've been crying and grieving lately even though me and my ex boyfriend haven't even been in contact and I wasn't even on any of his profiles. yet I find myself re-thinking everything over and over, trying to just keep the happy memories. instead I weep because I can't have that back, won't see any of them ever again and my dreams were simply buried. sometimes I miss him. the man I once met. not the one he is nowadays. 2 months is definately not enough for me to get over it. plus his family and friends keep writing me mails, it's so nice but also painful. I listen to sad songs. I have been writing about it, lyrics plus music. I can't get over the things that happened and hurt me. there's nothing I can actively do. can't stop thinking. I just let it happen, let it come and go.
No comments:
Post a Comment