guilt.

I've had countless conversations with my mom, telling her that she is not guilty for what happened to me. That she is the best mother in the world and guilt simply doesn't exists.
Am I a hypocrite for finding myself wallowing in shame and guilt these days? Let me explain. When you have an eating disorder, it takes most of your power and control. It consumes your time and energy, well your whole life in the end. So over the years, I have lost so many friends to this, who left me because they didn't understand it or wanted to follow through. It was very painful to me any time I had to tell them no, ignore their calls, tried to explain and in the end - they all left. Which led to fear and shame and guilt and well, even more disordered behavior.

I once went through a 2 years isolation phase, in which I only communicated over the internet. When I hadn't lost my old friends by then, I could be sure they would go away during this. Heaven knows why, I have 3 old friends who are still here by my side.
One I've known since first grade, so for 16 years now. One I've known since 5th grade, which are 12 years and the third one I've known for 5 years now. I consider them my best friends, we have always been relatively close and they know me so well. Plus they live in the same town as me.
Most important though: I can rely on them always. I never treated them differently from the rest - they were ignored, they were pushed away and lied to. They gave me space and came back. Every single time. I'm sitting here in tears, I have simply no idea how I deserved that. God knows I probably wouldn't have done this for 5 or 10 years! One out of them I met in IP, she has similar diagnosis as me and she understands without any explanation necessary. My 2 friends from school, they are perfectly healthy and do not understand. But they don't have to. I just need them to be there when I reach out and give me space when I want it. I just need them to not leave me. I am so scared of rejection. I feel very lonely, despite all their efforts.

So let me tell you what happened this week. My oldest friend's birthday was coming up and actually is today. She invited me 3 weeks ago to a little party she threw, some coffee and cake at her home. It's always nice and girls only. There are a couple of friends I only meet on this occasion. I RSVPd yes and bought her present. Even though I had been so down and struggling recently, I was determined to go. What can I say, been at home all day and wished her happy birthday on facebook, texted her I was too sick. Just another one.

There is this one friend, we really like each other but only meet at our mutual friends' birthday party. She messaged me whether I would come and if so, whether I wanted to go buy a present with her and even bake a cake together. It was incredibly sweet but I felt so overwhelmed by this upcoming party already and cannot handle food well at all these days.... so I had to tell her no. Last time we actually met was exactly a year ago and since that, she has been messaging me about 20 times, wanting to hang out with me. I said no every time even though she is so amazing. How can this sweet girl still ask me and not lose hope?

On thursday, my second oldest friend texted me. She wanted to go out with some girls that night and asked me to join them, she would really wanna see me again. I had a good day, seriously thought about it and got excited about the idea. But then, Ed thought I would ask him for his opinion (nonsense). He stated 'you are too fat to go. also, you haven't eaten in a while and feel very weak, you can't go out dancing! when you come back, you will feel very dirty because of all that smoke and alcohol inside of you and guys will probably flirt with you and it's gonna make you feel like a slut. but when you don't go, she is very disappointed in you and might leave you for good now, you will have to binge to make up for that.' it's just his usual logic. So I thought about it for 2 hours, then called my mom and asked for her advice. We came up with the solution that I should make some dinner (after 30 hours of no food) and then lay down with a hot water bottle, watching some Gilmore Girls and treating myself well. Because it was neither of Ed's suggestions and the most realistic and healthiest choice. I was very scared of telling my friend, because I'd have to say no. But I did and haven't heard from her since.

My friend of 5 years, who is ironically the oldest woman of all 3, she is seriously ill. Had to spend 2 weeks in hospital where is was very frightened and lonely and I was too busy b/p-ing and visiting my mom in the hopsital that I didn't go to her. Or called. Instead thought of her the whole day, beating myself up over it. I know that she understands isolation and being overwhelmed. But it's not fair. I want to be there for my friends. Instead I stare Ed in the face every day. He keeps me lonely and out of touch. He consumes my life. How long until those last friends will leave? I have no idea. Something has to change. I feel inredibly guilty for treating them that way, they don't deserve it at all. Their kindness makes me cry and makes me angry at the situation. Still I can't/don't change. I am so endlessly sorry and scared to ever look them in the eyes again.

Emotional Eating

When you know me, you are aware that I am a huge Gilmore Girls fan. No, not a fan... I inherited their style, their relationships and personal traits. I identify myself and Stars Hollow feels like home. I am madly in love with Logan and I buy clothes Lorelai would wear. It has come to a point where I start craving coffee every time I watch an episode, even at 9 o'clock at night.
A couple of a minutes ago, I had just watched 2 episodes of season 7, there was a short conversation between Rory and Lorelai about Poptarts. Actually I never knew what they were until I tried one this summer in the US. We don't have them here, in fact we don't have most of these convenient, prepared and unhealthy foods they have. I am so not used to eating that (mind you, we do have chocolate bars and muffins, but it's not comparable at all to this craziness in american supermarkets) and I didn't enjoy all these chemicals and just non-natural indegrets. It's not my thing at all. But I tried since the girls told me they loved them and well, when you are in a foreign country you might as well dig in.
So what the conversation between the Gilmore Girls was about: Lorelai sat in front of a Poptart, one of her favorite foods, questioning herself whether she really liked it. Or whether she just liked them because she knew her mother wouldn't approve of them, as part of a rebellion against her parents and their standarts. And it made me think a lot. I believe that we do more things out of emotional reasons than we are aware of. We do them because they comfort us, make us happy or excited, bring back some kind of memory. Sometimes we intentionally listen to an old song which makes us think of our first love, or that one summer, maybe even a concert. We pull the trigger. But how many things do we do out of emotions and aren't even aware of it? Countless probably.
When I hear of emotional eating, I think of giving myself any sort of comfort through food. Like the soothing effects of pudding or the joy of some chocolate. Having an eating disorder, you suddenly 'live' all your emotions through food. Either starving them away, or - in my case - having certain kinds of food which represent feelings. Sweet, salty, spicey, oily, crunchy, sour, soft, creamy. They all seem to "give" me something else. I believe that this is our inner voice talking to us through metaphors. But we don't speak the same language and therefore misinterpret them. Which is a shame because we not only treat our bodies wrong by putting all that stuff inside ourselves, we also oversee our true conflict and longing. Which is a dead end. We believe the reflections are reality but they really aren't. When I try to think of some foods that remind me of a memory, I start to see the connection. Cookies symbolise love and family. My mom and I used to bake them together in our wollen socks, the oven was heating the kitchen, we were covered in flour and sang popsongs. So when I'm craving cookies, I am pretty sure I want that comfort and love and joy from this early childhood memory. It's not my body that really wants some sugar and white flour and fat. We need to seperate this. I don't say never eat cookies. But when you do, be aware of what you are doing. Know that food doesn't really give you that love and joy. It brings you closer to the memory, the reflection of those feelings. So I say eat a cookie if you want to, but also give yourself the love that you're really craving for.

weight, women, society and self love.

Today I stumbled across the Bridget Jones movie. I remember watching it a few years ago, I thought she was so adorable and beautiful.
Today, I'm more worried about body image than ever. Through many years of constantly hating myself and my body, I was pretty sure the award of the ugliest person in the world would be mine. It took me a lot of courage, patience and determination to finally see myself for who I am. To start appreciating my body and discovering its beauty.
On some days, I can truthfully say that I think I am absolutely gorgeous and beautiful. I don't say I am more beautiful than other people. I don't compare. Unfortunately, this doesn't work on every day yet, but I'm getting there.
Today has been a rather bad day, body image wise. Just like the days before. But I know it will get better again and just because I don't love my body as much right now doesn't mean I haven't made all these accomplishments.
Have you ever recognised how very rare it is for a woman, or let's just say any person, to say about themselves 'I think I am wonderful, I am beautiful and perfect in my own way.' ... when you think about it, everyone should be able to say that about themselves. But being in a competitive society, I experienced that such statements cause trouble. You are suddenly egocentric, a show-off, narcisstic, a snob, crazy or any other negative attribution.
I personally believe that this is the key to happiness and one of our highest goals. To be in contact with yourself, appreciate and love yourself unconditionally, to forgive and treat yourself etc. It brings you peace. It's a foundation to so many other things. But not many people truly love themselves and therefor talk down on those who do. Out of jealousy maybe.
Now let me get out a few words and body image and society, the media and such. I know we've heard it a thousand times. These are my particular thoughts about it tonight. I look at Bridget Jones, a 'fattened up Renee Zellweger', and I can see her insecurities, how uncomfortable and unattractive she feels. From my perspective, she is beautiful and her weight is just fine. A big part pf the story is about her struggle though, how everyone sees her as fat and how she fights it. Fights herself. It drives me crazy. I understand that many women are constantly worried about this, go on and off diets and such. Maybe we should take the emphasis off that?
Let me take Adele for example. So, I know most of you girls love her. I got to know her on the radio with 'chasing pavements', I think back in 2007 or 2008. Liked the song, no question. Now she is back and everyone is all over her weight. She probably didn't initiate it but it pisses me off. People are like 'oh wow fatty is on stage and look, she can actually SING who would have thought'. There are more discussions whether or not it's legit to be famous as a young woman with 'that weight'. I don't care whether people think it's brave or inappropriate (whatever their arguments are), I simply strongly dislike that there is a discussion about it in the first place. Same with very skinny celebs, but let's be honest, to be seen as a skinny celeb, you have to be skeletal. Since everyone else is already stick thin.
I look at women and think they are just beautiful. Women with proportions. What- and where- ever they may be. I think Sookie from the Gilmore Girls is beautiful. I think Rose from Two and a half men is beautiful. And I think Elliot Reid from Scrubs is beautiful. I don't discriminate. But I am afraid my eyes and opinion is a lot different from societys. And it frightens me.
Just like I always used to see myself way bigger than I really was, I am now afraid I could see myself as thinner than I am right now. Yes, it's always subjective, but I don't want to be too far off reality. I haven't weighed myself in 2 years but still I know what size my clothes are. Which is another point: my new clothes are sometimes 2 sizes different from my old ones and they both fit perfectly. Body stays the same, sizes go up. Fuck that.
It breaks my heart to see so many beautiful women struggle with that. Oh god. Beauty does not come from a curvy or thin body. It does come from inside. From being a woman, a soft and strong woman who gently loves herself for all that she is. Trying to not make it sound too cliché. I am not the one to judge whether someone has to lose or gain weight. Hear me out, gossip people! It's everyones own choice (or not) to have that body. It's their priviledge. Just like you have your own and can decide what to do with it.
I don't control my weight. I haven't most of my life. Which is a strange thought, considering I've been struggling with EDs for 14 years now. But ever since I let Ed into my life, he was the one controlling it through my behavior. Simple as that. All I can do is unconditionally love myself at any given moment and forgive. Smile. It's going to get better. One (out or many) very important lessons I learned from my beautiful mother is that you always do your best. Any second, in any situation you are doing your best. Sometimes that is just to stay alive and breathe. But it's your own best, there is NOTHING more you could do. So don't be hard on yourself and just go with it.