I've had countless conversations with my mom, telling her that she is not guilty for what happened to me. That she is the best mother in the world and guilt simply doesn't exists.
Am I a hypocrite for finding myself wallowing in shame and guilt these days? Let me explain. When you have an eating disorder, it takes most of your power and control. It consumes your time and energy, well your whole life in the end. So over the years, I have lost so many friends to this, who left me because they didn't understand it or wanted to follow through. It was very painful to me any time I had to tell them no, ignore their calls, tried to explain and in the end - they all left. Which led to fear and shame and guilt and well, even more disordered behavior.
I once went through a 2 years isolation phase, in which I only communicated over the internet. When I hadn't lost my old friends by then, I could be sure they would go away during this. Heaven knows why, I have 3 old friends who are still here by my side.
One I've known since first grade, so for 16 years now. One I've known since 5th grade, which are 12 years and the third one I've known for 5 years now. I consider them my best friends, we have always been relatively close and they know me so well. Plus they live in the same town as me.
Most important though: I can rely on them always. I never treated them differently from the rest - they were ignored, they were pushed away and lied to. They gave me space and came back. Every single time. I'm sitting here in tears, I have simply no idea how I deserved that. God knows I probably wouldn't have done this for 5 or 10 years! One out of them I met in IP, she has similar diagnosis as me and she understands without any explanation necessary. My 2 friends from school, they are perfectly healthy and do not understand. But they don't have to. I just need them to be there when I reach out and give me space when I want it. I just need them to not leave me. I am so scared of rejection. I feel very lonely, despite all their efforts.
So let me tell you what happened this week. My oldest friend's birthday was coming up and actually is today. She invited me 3 weeks ago to a little party she threw, some coffee and cake at her home. It's always nice and girls only. There are a couple of friends I only meet on this occasion. I RSVPd yes and bought her present. Even though I had been so down and struggling recently, I was determined to go. What can I say, been at home all day and wished her happy birthday on facebook, texted her I was too sick. Just another one.
There is this one friend, we really like each other but only meet at our mutual friends' birthday party. She messaged me whether I would come and if so, whether I wanted to go buy a present with her and even bake a cake together. It was incredibly sweet but I felt so overwhelmed by this upcoming party already and cannot handle food well at all these days.... so I had to tell her no. Last time we actually met was exactly a year ago and since that, she has been messaging me about 20 times, wanting to hang out with me. I said no every time even though she is so amazing. How can this sweet girl still ask me and not lose hope?
On thursday, my second oldest friend texted me. She wanted to go out with some girls that night and asked me to join them, she would really wanna see me again. I had a good day, seriously thought about it and got excited about the idea. But then, Ed thought I would ask him for his opinion (nonsense). He stated 'you are too fat to go. also, you haven't eaten in a while and feel very weak, you can't go out dancing! when you come back, you will feel very dirty because of all that smoke and alcohol inside of you and guys will probably flirt with you and it's gonna make you feel like a slut. but when you don't go, she is very disappointed in you and might leave you for good now, you will have to binge to make up for that.' it's just his usual logic. So I thought about it for 2 hours, then called my mom and asked for her advice. We came up with the solution that I should make some dinner (after 30 hours of no food) and then lay down with a hot water bottle, watching some Gilmore Girls and treating myself well. Because it was neither of Ed's suggestions and the most realistic and healthiest choice. I was very scared of telling my friend, because I'd have to say no. But I did and haven't heard from her since.
My friend of 5 years, who is ironically the oldest woman of all 3, she is seriously ill. Had to spend 2 weeks in hospital where is was very frightened and lonely and I was too busy b/p-ing and visiting my mom in the hopsital that I didn't go to her. Or called. Instead thought of her the whole day, beating myself up over it. I know that she understands isolation and being overwhelmed. But it's not fair. I want to be there for my friends. Instead I stare Ed in the face every day. He keeps me lonely and out of touch. He consumes my life. How long until those last friends will leave? I have no idea. Something has to change. I feel inredibly guilty for treating them that way, they don't deserve it at all. Their kindness makes me cry and makes me angry at the situation. Still I can't/don't change. I am so endlessly sorry and scared to ever look them in the eyes again.
I understand why you'd feel like a hypocrite, but I don't think you are - it's always a different thing to think a) for somebody else or b) for yourself... just like it's usually easier to give advice than to take it, let alone take your *own* advice.
ReplyDeleteTo me, "guilt" is a very ambivalent thing.
In a way I'm with you on the "guilt doesn't exist" line, at least on a regular, every-day-life-basis. [It certainly exists in a legal connection, seeing how A. Breivik is guilty for the death of 93 people he killed in Norway, even though he thought he was doing exactly the right thing].
Guilt in every day life however, to me, is always something that should be carried by two people: when you fight with someone over something, you will never be the sole bearer of guilt (even though it feels that way), it's always both persons' fault. Everyone part of a quarrel is, in their own way, "guilty" of it. So here, it exists in a way, but it's always a shared thing.
Then there's guilt in a sense of "having a bad consciense", the guilt you feel when not living up to someone else's or your own expectations - maybe the guilt you feel when cancelling on a friend. That kind of guilt is a complete vicious circle, as you also described above. Feeling guilty leads to, as you put it, disordered behaviour, which then again you feel guilty about, which makes everything worse... - etcetera. It's the one that shouldn't exist, but I fear the one that is the hardest to block from your emotions. It's something lingering in the back of your head, gaining strength randomly -- and seemingly disappearing in those clear moments in which we tell others that they are not guilty of anything. It's a wicked thing -.-°
What you describe next is like a mirror of what I do on a regular basis. Usually I can't even put up the courage of actually cancelling - I just don't answer at all.
I don't know if there's a "cure" for it, let alone an excuse, but I noticed that it's a pattern I use whenever there's something really, really wrong with me, even though I might not see what it exactly it is. There's an underlying problem and it shows in that behaviour.
I think somehow it's a means of self-protection. I think you and your mother were right in deciding that you should treat yourself well that night - and that you actually needed it. Sometimes, I believe, we have to put ourselves first. You probably feel like asking: "but every time??!", and I understand that (I'd do the same), but I guess we will have to rely on the others' understanding if we can't rely on ourselves finding a solution.
My problem with former friends was that they never asked. I cancelled and they would be angry - however they would never ask for the cause of my cancellation, when all I wanted was to try and explain myself... the contact broke eventually. And even though I feel sorry for it, in the long run I realised that it was better this way - for me, and for them.
Speaking of "deserving something" ... I guess that's just as ambivalent as the question of guilt. What do we deserve, and why - and who is to decide that after all anyway? I don't think the question can really be answered.
Lots of love!
I understand this post so well. Many different periods throughout my illness, I would go through times where I was a "horrible friend" and I would push people away and not return calls, ignore friends, ect. I felt incredibly guilty and that just added fuel to my feelings of self-hatred and the eating disorder. It would turn into a cycle and made me feel even worse. But I learned through treatment that isolation is a BIG part of the illness. It is a very lonely and isolating disease. And it's not YOU that is doing these things - it is the illness. I know that might be hard for you to believe. It took me a really long time to believe that "jenn" and "ed" were two different people/thoughts. The illness WANTS you to feel the guilt you are feeling so it can hold onto you even tighter, but please don't let it. Please be gentle with yourself, and the best thing you can do is... instead of beating yourself up for what you did - try making little steps forward and do things different in future plans with friends. I know you won't be able to do it all the time and perfectly at the beginning but little steps are a big step forward! <3
ReplyDeleteYou have such a good heart - I know it's hard for you to recognize that when the illness is so good at making us feel like "it" is "us" but I can tell from your words that you are a good person, a good friend, a good daughter, ect. You are struggling now and it's causing you to do things you might not normally do, but it doesn't define who you are. Please don't let it take any more of "you" away from you. I hope all of this made sense... I feel like I am rambling and I just want to get this point acrossed because I have been where you are and I have felt what you are feeling.
Be gentle with yourself <3
I know this entry is a little old, but I had to comment regardless...
ReplyDeleteWhile I feel guilt has a purpose -- on the Sociological standpoint guilt is created by societies in order to keep people in adherence with Sociological ideologies (ie: to make sure people aren't deviants)... however, I think guilt when not justified isn't being used in an accountability way, rather a self harm way.
If feeling guilty is harming you... ask yourself if the guilt is justified. It is DEFINITELY okay to feel that guilt -- but is the guilt justified?
Is there a genuine basis for it?
I only bring this up, because the feeling of guilt is something I struggle with daily (I perpetually feel guilty, which no one is guilty 100% of the time, so it shows that sometimes the feel isn't justified -- I know I've said that word 500 times)