it's a crazy crazy world.

so today I had to see a shrink. I dont like those people because all they do is being insensitive and wanting you to swallow their holy pills. but I had to go because of some offical paper that says I am unable to work.

you should know this about me before you continue reading: I have a huge problem leaving my appartment. still, I do so at least 1-2 times a week to meet with and help my parents. I have a problem making and hanging onto appointments for my condition is very unstable and my mind can flip in a second. it's hard for me to concentrate and I don't have much energy, physically, mentally, emotionally. I do the best I can and am constantly working on myself.

anyways, I made that appointment and was scared of it from the moment I called. so I went there this morning, after 4 hours of sleep in the cold, foggy weather. this is like a marathon to me. had to wait for an hour, but it gave me the chance to plan on what I was going to say. as I was anxious and nervous, I sat very straight and motionless, smiled and spoke well-thought words. I had told my whole story a hundred times before so I knew how to present everything. this all led to his following conclusions:

- he simply didn't believe a thing I said because I was too well behaved and competent. even though I said I always wanted to present myself in a good way and am a little nervous, this was why I smiled all the time.

- furthermore, I clearly don't have an eating disorder, since I am not stick thing. even though I never claimed having anorexia and this was a professional speaking. yes people, there are still idiots like that. incredible. out of words.

- he then asked about my weight, which was completely irrelevant for his diagnosis. I answered him I hadn't weighed myself in 2 years, which was a huge accomplishment in my recovery, and I simply don't want to know my weight. good lord, that's what jenni schaefer said and did after years in recovery. he wanted me to guess my weight. I said I had no idea and I didn't want to know/think about it. he kept asking so I finally gave him an average number and he asked me provocatively whether I would feel better if it was a lower number. I said whatever, I don't even know if that's my weight or not! if that had happened a few months ago, I would have been devastated and thrown back.

- I might forgive him his stupid cliché questions about an emotionally distanced mother and angry, hard working father. I bet you know all of them. but he wanted to know a lot of details and history, not like a doctor, more like a therapist you know. that was weird. but I understand that he wanted to collect information for his diagnosis.

- he asked whether I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder. he gave me examples like washing, counting etc. I said no, never had that. he didn't believe me. he said he was sure about it. uhm...?

- then, there was the question whether I could feel and express negative emotions. I said yes of course I can feel them. "can you tell people when you dislike them or when they make you angry?" I thought for a bit, then said no, I can't. I am afraid to hurt them and it's just not a nice or simple thing to do. I sometimes think mean stuff of course, but I don't actually articulate it in front of them. this made me an "anxious-advoidant" personality to him. just like the weight thing.

- he wanted to know all the diagnosis I have gotten throughout the years. I told him and distanced myself from a few because, like I said, I had gotten better a LOT those past 3 years. then, he mentioned it would be almost impossible for me to get a therapist, having those problems (being very nice and competent at the same time, very logical).

- after I explained a typical day and my symptoms to him, he said he couldn't see why I wouldn't be able to work. running on no sleep and food. having anxiety and being constantly overwhelmed and unstable. so even though I have had many doctors giving me medical certificates that I was unable to do just ANYTHING, he couldn't see why. in the end, he gave me one for 3 weeks. even asked me what kind of diagnosis I would like to have (??), suggested one and I said "whatever you think is correct, you are the professional". he stuck to this one. which btw I mentioned only once and distanced myself from it. sigh.

- when I told him that I made huge steps especially in the past 2 years and explained how much different I was from back then... I had the feeling he has no idea what I was talking about. not at all.

- he insisted on giving me some kind of pills even though I said I've had bad experiences. but I thought if I refused this offer, he wouldn't give me the certificate. in the end he simply asked "what do you even want from me? I can't help you."

now I have to look for a new one all over again. I felt very bad afterwards, he is a complete moron for sure, maybe was even intimidated by my knowledge and that I wasn't a simple case like in all his books. it was so frusutrating. thanks everyone for listening! I am really looking into treatment here but it's not easy since my ED wants to hold me back and overcoming anxiety is pretty hard. in the end, it's all up to me to get better and stronger. I can reach out for help but healing and growth comes from inside myself.

I need to stop missing you, I can't fix us two.

today I went on Arielle's blog and all of a sudden it hit me: didn't I once have one myself? so, here we go again. basically I'm just trying new methods again to stay in touch and sort things out. so if you are interested, you are invited to read whatever is on my mind! bare with me, I am a newbie.

so what's going on these days. my mom's illness keeps the whole family worried and busy. we are constantly looking for new treatment possibilities and force her to get some rest. cause she has never been good at taking care of herself instead of everyone else. her liver has gotten worse, due to that her skin is yellow and she is tired all day, having a lack of appetite. leaves her even weaker. she has been in a hospital for over a month now, which is about an hour away from us and we visit her every second day or so. my dad works fulltime and has the whole household to himself, sometimes guilt tripping me into helping him out. even though it means I'm getting worse and worse myself. vicious cycle. all we can do is hope and believe and try these days. I simply refuse to let my mom go.

on another note... I'm incredibly lovesick these days. no idea where that's coming from again. I've been doing so good breakup wise before and now, without any obvious trigger I'm back down again. I guess one part of it are the nightmares, I have them regularly, very vivid and horrifying. doesn't really help me sleep at night. and has me confused for several hours a day. I believe that dreams are your subconsciousness talking to you and they are very important. they dont directly tell you what you need to know, but still: listen and be aware. so anyways, I've been crying and grieving lately even though me and my ex boyfriend haven't even been in contact and I wasn't even on any of his profiles. yet I find myself re-thinking everything over and over, trying to just keep the happy memories. instead I weep because I can't have that back, won't see any of them ever again and my dreams were simply buried. sometimes I miss him. the man I once met. not the one he is nowadays. 2 months is definately not enough for me to get over it. plus his family and friends keep writing me mails, it's so nice but also painful. I listen to sad songs. I have been writing about it, lyrics plus music. I can't get over the things that happened and hurt me. there's nothing I can actively do. can't stop thinking. I just let it happen, let it come and go.